The last few weeks have been illuminating. YHWH and I have been working on a project. The one where I ask Him to reveal where I’m not quite hitting the mark and He unpacks the contours of my heart to its deepest level to expose the darkness that resides there. It’s usually at this time, counting down the days to Shavuot/Pentecost that we get busy with the dirt.

This year is especially hard though. I guess because I’m maturing and as I grow in understanding of what displeases Him I also grow in my desire to be clean and pure before Him. To wear a garment that is unblemished. At times, though, the spots and wrinkles on my garment lead me into quiet moments of sorrowful reflection, like the one below:

 

It is a cliché, but one profound and true – one that has seeped into the fabric of my soul and haunted my flesh, my bones; my most authentic thought, emotion and dream. A thousand souls and more have gathered in the absoluteness of this place and time to which so many often find they have wandered.

This is the place called Loneliness:

“To be in a crowd of people, yet feel completely alone.”

“To be in the presence of the most intimate of family and friends, yet feel completely unknown.”

“To speak the words to another that carry the deepest thoughts, emotions and deeds of all that you believe yourself to be, yet feel completely misunderstood; forsaken.”

This is the place called Loneliness.

For me, Joseph Conrad and Athol Dickson encapsulate its essence:

Who knows what true loneliness is – not the conventional word but the

naked terror? – Joseph Conrad[1]

I know what true loneliness is. It is the naked terror of standing alone

at the chasm between God and me, knowing I cannot cross over. – Athol Dickson[2]

 

At the chasm that is my sin

 

[1] Under Western Eyes (1911; reprint, New York: Modern Library, 2001).

[2] The Gospel according to Moses. 2003

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